I went out early for a swing shift today because we have training the next two days.  It managed to snow for about four hours and the motoring public somehow lost even more of their collective minds than usual.  When I checked on we had forty crashes holding and waiting for officers.  I didn't get it.  It was VERY light snow.  Maybe it was deceptively light and the mass of irradiated monkeys we ordinarily call the public were just in fine form today.  Whatever the case...it was busy for the first half.

One of the crashes was a semi roll-over on a cloverleaf ramp.  For those that know this area, yes...it was the exact same ramp it's ALWAYS on.  Nothing much there.  No one was hurt.  It was a refer (refrigerator...not full of weed...) filled with 40,000 lbs of frozen chicken pot pies.  Yum!  It was a pretty typical semi crash and I was only there for traffic control.  After a while, the police presence left since the wrecker crews were off-loading the pot pies and it was going to take a while.  Plus, they were completely out of traffic.

The funny thing about that one was the fact that two hours after we left, dispatch got a call from a frantic citizen.  We all knew that the crews were still off-loading frozen pot pies.  They would be there a while.  Dispatch called out ANOTHER semi roll-over in the same location.  It took about five seconds to verify that it was the exact same crash. 

You see?  THIS is the kind of endemic stupidity that is one day going to be the downfall of our species.  It takes a special kind of idiot to round a curve, see three giant tow trucks, a crane and a crew from DOT swarming around a rolled semi and then frantically think, "Someone should notify the police!"  At SOME point between the origination of that particular thought, the process of dialing 911 and letting the sheer stupidity of their words waft across the air...one might think a reasonable person would assume that someone had ALREADY notified the cops.  I mean, a crane is not that easy to set up and unless it's a Japanese ninja crane, it's not very subtle.  And yes...on the optimistic side...it's still nice that the guy cared enough to make SURE we knew, but goddam...it's a rolled 18-wheeler!  We're not always the most observant bunch in the world but Jeezus tap-dancing Christ!  We'll notice a flipped semi!  Promise!  And chances are, hundreds of other well-meaning citizens will have warned us LONG before your dumbass shows up.  Hence, of course, the three wreckers, crane and DOT crew.    Wow.  You wanna know the dirty little secret?  WE called the cranes.    That's why they're there.

Once again...I feel strangely compelled to offer a public service announcement to help educate the public on how interactions with law enforcement SHOULD go.  If you're driving along and you see a rolled car with fresh smoke and/or visible flames...bloody bodies strewn about...screaming children and mass chaos...feel free to call.  We'd love to hear from you.  In fact, we might get slightly perturbed if you DON'T call in that case.  It'd be like we didn't get invited to the party.  And we don't like that...  However...If you're driving along and you see a rolled car with three other vehicles on scene, people on their cell phones, tow trucks and/or fire engines/ambulances on scene...STOP!  Take a deep breath and TRY for all you're worth to pull your head OUT of your ass before you dial that phone to let the police know.  You've got a better than average chance that we already know.    Calling us at that point is like attending a party and in the middle of said party inviting the host to his own shin-dig.  "Hey Bob!" you shout over the blaring music and drunken antics, "Did you know Bob is having a kickass party tonight at this same spot?"  If you can imagine the look on Bob's face (one of horror, confusion and disbelief) as he receives this information, imagine that same look on every cop's face who hears the dispatch transmission--only add a fair amount of rancor and hatred for humanity in general.  That's EXACTLY what it's like when you call our dispatchers to report stupid redundant shit.  Shut your blathering pie-holes.

So to boil it down in very simple, idiot-proof terms (well, sadly 'idiot-proof' is a mere pipe dream.  The truly ingenious morons will always find a way...):  if you don't see flashing lights (hazard lights don't count), call us.  We'd love to hear from you.  If you DO see flashing lights of ANY kind (again, not hazard lights, idiots.  I mean police, fire, amber tow-truck lights, etc...), it's a safe bet that someone's already told us.  Save the minutes on your cell phone and definitely save what little faith in humanity we have left.

To summarize the summary (a la Douglas Adams...):  No lights, call us.  Lights?  Shut the fuck up. 

A corrolary to this scenario was the time one of my less-than-intelligent comrades called dispatch over the main channel to ask if the fire department was aware of the forest fire.  The entire mountainside was on fire and bathing the city with an eerie light as he offered this report.  Thankfully that particular officer decided this line of work was not for him, and the rest of us breathed a heavy collective sigh of relief...

I also had a little domestic scuffle that turned out to be nothing.  However, while it was happening another well-meaning citizen decided to intervene.  This citizen had a concealed carry permit and was armed.  He decided to John Wayne the situation and hold the aggressor at gunpoint until we arrived.  Now as stated above, kudos and admiration for the heart being in the right place.  But dammit...guns are a very lethal element that we don't always need exacerbating (it's not a dirty word...look it the fuck up...) the situation.  My colleagues and I were somewhat amped up when we got there.  No shots were fired and all's well that ends well, but who's to say a more jittery citizen wouldn't have emptied a magazine into a relatively inoccuous person?  In the end...I have to grudgingly give the guy props for ending the situation and keeping things under control.  But it could've been MUCH worse, and concealed carry permits make me nervous.  I don't care WHAT the NRA says.  Anyway...there was no real assault and it turned out fine and nobody even went to jail.  Ah well...

I'm out!

You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.  (www.theonion.com) (That one is me all over the place...fucking musicals...)